Nov
30
Orbiting Around Bob
November 30, 2006 | Leave a Comment
Nov
29
Early Forms of youtube.com
November 29, 2006 | Leave a Comment
Nov
28
Rock Stop
November 28, 2006 | Leave a Comment
Nov
27
Heavyweight Transporter
November 27, 2006 | Leave a Comment
Nov
26
Pac-Man Gossip
November 26, 2006 | Leave a Comment
Nov
25
Downhill Bicycle
November 25, 2006 | Leave a Comment
Nov
24
Black Friday
November 24, 2006 | Leave a Comment
Nov
22
Struggle for Control Shakes Corporate Boardroom
November 22, 2006 | Leave a Comment
Special Report by Ned Sanbourne.
Highly-placed sources say that a massive struggle for control shook the boardroom of Crooked Street Press(CSP) headquarters
yesterday morning. Office staffers confided that shortly after the 10:45 a.m. Krispy Krème donut delivery to the boardroom where directors and Co-Managing Editors Daniel Wheeler and Fritz were having their early morning pre-production Monday meeting, the sounds of shouting and pounding could be heard.
Interviews with CSP staffers allow a partial reconstruction of the morning’s events. Gloria Sanchez, administrative assistant to Director Wheeler, confirmed that the day had started as usual and that there were no warning signs of the impending conflict. “I was here at 8:00 a.m. as usual, working on the day’s editorials,” Sanchez related. “The directors arrived on schedule for what they call their “early morning” production meeting, which is, just between you and me, a sad joke. Those guys are always talking about the big off-site meeting they were just in, but its all a big cover up to hide the fact that they sleep in and make us do all the work. Plus, I think that they are playing video games in the “board room” because I can hear the sounds through the
door. They yell at each other a lot, but not like this morning, moma mia!”
One of the paper’s sales associates, Jason Billings was also eager to provide background. Apparently, despite strict orders to the contrary, Susan Chan, the new office intern, had delivered a “baker’s dozen” instead of the specified 12 donuts to the directors’ production meeting. “I know how sensitive food issues are at this company, at least around one of the directors, so I can see that the extra donut may have raised some issues,” stated Billings. Jason confided that “sales have been a bit slow, what with the staff’s preoccupation with personnel issues and people around here are really focused on the food component of compensation.”
Director Fritz was not available for comment, but Wheeler was only too happy to provide his perspective. “I can confirm my deep disappointment with behavior occurring in the board room” stated Wheeler. “There was enough extra dipping glaze and crème filling for everyone, at least until someone who I will not name started grabbing everything and spilled half of it. We both realized at the same moment that there was an extra donut, but instead of discussing like a responsible executive, or at least a semi-mature adult, Director Fritz made a desperate lunge for it. Our staff really look up to us and his behavior is completely inappropriate for senior management.”
Sanchez and Billings both confirmed that the donut box was torn, the crème filling cartridge had been knocked into a corner and the extra dipping glaze was splattered “like blood in a mafia hit scene.”
Nov
20
Caveman Therapy
November 20, 2006 | Leave a Comment
Nov
12
San Francisco Tops God’s Favorite Cities List
November 12, 2006 | Leave a Comment
by Dan Wheeler
In a stunning development yesterday, San Francisco edged out close competitor
Shawnee Mission, Kansas and Jacksonville, Florida to take top spot in God’s first annual “Favorite Cities” American ranking. The reaction around the country was immediate and vociferous. Rev. Dave Mitchell, a pastor in Little Rock, Arkansas led a mid-week protest sit-in on the grounds of First Sanctified Baptist Church. “I don’t know what God was thinking here, honestly. I mean we have 90% plus church attendance in this city and only last year we were singled out as the ‘most improved’ in sin reduction. I don’t want to get personal here, but San Francisco is not exactly known for its lack of sin. This coming on top of Nancy Pelosi taking the speakership is too much! How is this fair?” Other ministers expressed similar sentiments.
Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York City pointed out that the City’s five boroughs, on average, ranked 21.2 on the generosity index compiled every year. San Francisco, by contrast, Mr. Bloomberg pointed out, “is near the bottom ranking a measly 4.3.” The press secretary for Gavin Newsom, Mayor of San Francisco, stated that “the Mayor was not aware that the contest was being held, or that San Francisco had been nominated. We are still evaluating the significance of the award. For example, we have no idea the potential effect on tourism this may have.”
Acknowledging the furor the ranking caused, God early called a press conference to explain his methodology in compiling the ranking.
“I did decide to underweight the general prevalence of sin factor, which may come as a surprise to many. I was really looking more at geography and climate, and for a place where I can blend in without being too easily noticed. After about 300 years, people don’t even notice when I roll into town. They usually just think it’s just another fog bank. Other towns, they think they are seeing UFOs or just tripping out and the whole place gets riled up. And then the conspiracy theorists, “Jesus-in-a-sandwich” freaks and the media show up and you can barely find a quiet place to think. No, I really prefer hanging out in San Francisco. No one bats an eye and you can stay totally anonymous. The other thing is I can also get some peace and quiet. Other places, there is a constant din of prayers, petitions, confessions, and other sorts of drama and neediness. No one hassles me in San Francisco. For the most part that is–omnipresence can make parking a real b____h, may [Department of Parking and Traffic] be cursed forever, Amen.”
God then fielded a few questions from reporters present. Larry Kudlow asked if God’s ranking methodology didn’t create a real incentive to cut back on prayer and other activities that God traditionally encouraged. Dan Rather pointed out that he had documents exposing the flaws in God’s ranking methodology. “I am Yahweh, the Almighty One” God thundered, visibly irritated. “Perhaps a locust swarm or some boils would help all of you get a better grasp on my ‘methodology’!? Well?” Oprah Winfrey broke the long silence that ensued by tactfully asking whether God’s press conference statements should be canonized in God’s Word. God said that he’d “get back to you on that.”
It remains to be seen what effect God’s reappearance after 2000 years will have on human history. Here’s hoping that DPT gets what they have coming.
