May
31
Marine Biology Triumph soured by Domestic Crisis
May 31, 2007 | Leave a Comment
by Dave Lindley
The Bay area held its breath as it anxiously anticipated the fate of two humpback whales gone astray in the Sacramento-San Joaquin River Delta. To the relief and heartfelt joy of many onlookers, the humpbacks were spotted outside the Golden Gate Wednesday, according the U.S. Coast Guard.
Sadly however, this triumph in marine biology, a true testament to man and natures peaceful coexistence, was short-lived. Nearly as soon as the reports began circulating about the whales freedom, a new crisis arrived.
A crowd of reporters has gathered outside the home of “The View” star Rosie O’Donell. O’Donnell, who is reportedly leaving “The View“, and in a constant battle with real estate mogul Donald Trump, has been the subject of much controversy. She is also loved and adored by many others.
Earliest reports indicated that Rosie had been in a fit of seasonal depression, and found herself indulging in too many pre-packaged apple pies, although the exact nature of what she was eating is not confirmed. What is confirmed however is this; The local police have indicated, and now verified that Rosie O’Donell has been trapped in a doorway for the past three days.
Rich Skylan, local Chief of Police had this to say; “Generally we leave these types Read more
May
30
Benitez Demands Contract Extention Dispite Giving Up Game Winning Run.
May 30, 2007 | Leave a Comment
by Fritz
San Francisco- Armando Benitez demanded a contract extention from the San Francisco Giants top brass after Tuesday’s loss in bottom of the 12th inning against the New York Mets.
The Giants opened up a road trip in New York Tuesday where a pitching duel was on the big stage between hot San Francisco rookie Tim Lincecum vs. Oliver Perez. Although both pitcher pitched 7 innings, neither twirler got the win and it was left up to the bullpin. Yada yada yada… we go into the bottom of the 12th inning and the Giants are up by one. Benitez balks once to move Jose Reyes into scoring position and after a bunt he balks again to score the tying run. The next pitch Carlos Delgado hits a no doubt homerun over the right field wall to win the game.
The reporters and teammates alike were shocked when Benitez, after losing the game for the Giants, demanded a contract extention and a re-signing bonus. On top of the $46 million 1/2 season extention he demanded that on games where Read more
May
29
By Fritz
San Francisco is gripped with tough questions about why a mother humpback
whale known as Delta and a baby whale calf known as Dawn swam up the Sacramento-San Joaquin River Delta.
As crowds gather near the shores to see a glimpse of these huge whales,
researchers are clambering for answers.
“What’s in Sacramento?” South of Market resident Tiffany Popan, age 26,
asked. “Is that where whales mate?”
“How could this happen?” Clyde Fasano from the Castro neighborhood
asked. “What kind of world are we living in where whales just swim
where ever the hell they want?”
Researcher and Whale expert Jim Thornburg from the San Francisco State
University Liberal Art Department gave a quick response when asked.
“Well I’m no expert but I guess this is the whales way of calling
attention to the mindless hunting of Humpback Whales for their fur.”
Crooked Street soon ended that interview as he was a complete waste of
time.
Scientist and Whale enthusiast Kim Thompson from City College had this to
say. “Whales swimming up the Read more
May
21
By Dan Wheeler
Ed Whittaker, a member of the San Francisco First Reformed Presbyterian Church, faces increasing criticism over the “Bring a Brother to Church Day” program he launched three weeks ago. We spoke to Ed, a thirty-something IT department manager for a local law firm, as he earnestly handed out flyers promoting the program on the church steps. Ed looked every bit the tech geek in his khakis, the calculator watch and the large key ring dangling from his belt. All geek that is except for the jarringly out of place T-shirt with the red, green and yellow colors of the Ethiopian / Rastafarian flag. “I don’t know why everyone is so opposed to my diversity initiative” he said. “We have exactly two brothers attending our church out of about 900 members, which is embarrassing. I don’t see anyone else out there trying to brown up this crowd.” Among other things, the flyers urged church members to “invite the Negroid peeps”.
Rev. Fred Hubbell, the senior pastor of First Reformed, is quite upset about the situation. “I tried to explain to Ed that our evangelism efforts have to be sensitive and avoid negative connotations. Now I have to explain over and over again that I do not call African Americans “brother” unless they are my brother in Christ of course. Then I have to explain why I don’t like the program but want black people in our church. I got a call from the Daughters of Thunder demanding to know why we aren’t inviting black women to church. I’m darned if I support the program and darned if I don’t, pardon my language. Honestly, who says “negroid”? Its totally inappropriate.“ Read more
May
20
by Fritz
Zack Billingsby, age 35, from Diamond Heights has spent the last couple days leading up to today promoting his own race to compete against the very popular Bay to Breakers. He calls it the “Billingsby 1.5 Mile Spectacular.” The race starts from the beginning of Caesar Chavez Blvd and 3rd Street and runs up Clipper Street and Church Street to the base of the hill of Twin Peaks. When asked why his race doesn’t continue up the hill on Clipper Street Zack responded, “Shoot, I’m not running up that hill! I’ll kill myself.”
The Billingsby 1.5 Mile Spectacular kicked off its annual race competeing with the Bay to Breakers which started at 8 am this morning. The Bay to Breakers is a 7.46 mile run where people of all ages and costumes put on their running shoes and run from the Read more
May
17
Roof Salesman Cartoon
May 17, 2007 | Leave a Comment
May
16
Acupuncturist Cartoons
May 16, 2007 | Leave a Comment
2007 Copyright Fritz Cartoons
May
8
Fenwick Baseball
May 8, 2007 | Leave a Comment
May
7
Humpty Dumpty Cartoon
May 7, 2007 | Leave a Comment
May
6
Twin Peaks Man Has Best Golf Game Ever- Russian Hill Friend Says, “I’m really really jealous.”
May 6, 2007 | Leave a Comment
by Fritz
Local
It was a perfect sunny 
Wheeler who at one point skipped the 13th hole claiming that he quit and was going home. Wheeler after pouting the whole 350 yard par 3 of the 13th returned to the 14th hole par 4, where he hit thirteen shots 6 of which were ten feet from the hole.
“Dan who?” Fritz said when asked what he thought of his competitor’s game.
“My son looked really bad out there.” Wheeler’s Mom stated covering her face from the media. “I don’t know why I came.”
This was the fifth time that Fritz has won the LPGTWC and the 23rd time in his career beating Wheeler by such a great margin.
“This reminds of the time Wheeler tried to play tennis.” Breen said. “He’s got no game.”
As is the custom of the LPGTWC the winner gets a free cigar and a free ride home after the match. Fritz has never driven Wheeler home.
