Jun
20
Walter the Clown Cartoon
June 20, 2007 | Leave a Comment
Jun
20
Newsom Serious About New Stadium Deal For 49ers
June 20, 2007 | Leave a Comment
“Who wouldn’t want to play on a radioactive dump site?” -Aaron Smith back up place kicker for the San Francisco 49ers
by fritz
San Francisco- San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom took the NFL top brass on a tour of a old naval shipyard Tuesday at Hunter’s Point in San Francisco for the proposed site of the new 49ers stadium. Newsom’s tactic was to sell the National Football League on giving a loan to the 49ers to build a new stadium which was only half of Newsom’s “master” plan.
Late in the meeting the light dimmed low and some techno music started playing with a laser light show in a board room at City Hall where Newsom brought out a power point presentation about the future of the 49ers. Using the left over radioactive material from the naval shipyard where testing was done and never cleaned up, Newsom planned to mutate a “super-human-radioactive football team” that would dominate for an estimated 20 years. The power point presentation showed doctored photos of football players with four arms and freakish Read more
Jun
19
“Friends of Tony” come to San Francisco
June 19, 2007 | 1 Comment
contributed to Crooked Street Press by Sam Goldsmith
In a smoke filled room with the smell of eggplant parmasian wafting
through the air, a group of middle aged men enjoy an evening of
unique comraderie. Rather than saying they share a common connection,
they prefer to say they’re….”connected”. These very special clubs
are spreading like wild fire around the country and the reason is
obvious. There’s a void to be filled and with the end of HBO’s
acclaimed series “The Sopranos”, the desire to be Tony burns red hot
in many of those attending the Tony clubs.
The brainchild of Benjamin “Big Pants” Weinstein, the first Tony
club opened its doors at the Ramada Plaza Cancun Room in Calumet City,
Indiana. From that first meeting of six fans of the prime time mob
boss, the popularity was apparent and filled a need in men who want
more empowerment and excitement in their lives. Chapters blossomed
through out the country and the San Francisco chapter opened it’s
doors to over Read more
Jun
19
“It’s genius!” Jerry Yang, the new CEO of Yahoo, Inc.
by Fritz
San Francisco- Jerry Yang after taking the top spot at Yahoo Inc. on Monday from Terry Semel who ran the ship since 2001 made a dramatic and surprising move as his first order of business. Yang announced that Yahoo would start advertising it’s services using Google AdWords.
“Well he’s off to a good start.” Pat Thompson a fellow board member at Yahoo said. “Google should really get our name out there.”
Under Yang’s plan Yahoo will use some of it’s billions of dollars to dump into a aggressive ad campaign using internet rival Google as it’s main advertising platform. Yang plans on advertising Yahoo’s business internet advertising solutions “Panama”.
“I don’t think I would have thought of that.” Terry Semel the former CEO said. “What can go wrong? Yahoo will catch up with Google in no time.”
“I like the idea.” First year Google advertising representative Tasha Casey said. “Yahoo is my first big account. They were easy to get too. That Yang dude was so Read more
Jun
19
Local Man Throws Off The Curve of Commute Time
June 19, 2007 | Leave a Comment
“What an idiot.” Witness said
by Fritz
Oakland- Westbound I-80 is known around the bay area as the worst commute from Hecules to the metering lights at the Bay Bridge toll plaza. This last year it was reported that commuters are spending 6 percent more time in their cars than usual. What is the cause of this sudden jump in commute time? One man. Harry Potts from San Pablo.
Potts commutes to San Francisco every morning where he works as a CPA for a local firm. Every morning taking I-80 West he makes his way to the toll plaza like everyone else.
The California Highway Patrol reported that Potts had called to complain about the traffic and demanded to know what was wrong. CHP operators who took his call were surprised by his complaint as it was almost noon and the worst of the traffic had been through for the last two hours and no major delays were reported. The operators followed typical procedure and asked Read more
Jun
18
Poll: Clinton Takes Big Lead Over Obama
June 18, 2007 | Leave a Comment
Most agree that the election is not over.
by Fritz
Washington- New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton has gained a big lead over Illinois Sen. Barack Obama in the USA TODAY/Gallup Poll only one day after the previous poll was taken. Most analysts will agree that the election is not over.
The newest poll included 300 Democrats and 175 independents who are thinking about Democrats in a favorable manner and of the 475 asked about 300 voted Democrat and the rest stayed independent.
“We can do polls all day until we are blue in the face.” Phil Johnston, Democrat supporter said, “Its about who is winning at the end when the fat lady sings.” Johnston later took that comment back as it sounded like he was calling Clinton fat. Crooked Street printed it anyway. Read more
Jun
18
Adam and Eve Cartoon II
June 18, 2007 | Leave a Comment
Jun
17
Amnesty International Disregards Infant’s Pleas
June 17, 2007 | Leave a Comment
By Ned Sanbourne
San Francisco — Amnesty International’s press release condemned the civil war in the Gaza Strip and also noted that the human rights organization would not investigate the claims of torture submitted by Russian Hill newborn, Ms. Stynkier Poohe.
“We get a lot of these ‘torture’ claims from newborns in uppity neighborhoods like Russian Hill,” said Amnesty’s spokesperson. “The claims paperwork is generally well done but the claims themselves are not terribly sympathetic.”
Ms. Poohe’s claims included:
1. Being forced to bath in unsuitably tepid water without adequate prior notice.
2. Parents who repeatedly confused demands to change soiled diapers as a demands to eat.
3. Pink teddy bear cap constantly sliding down over eyes.
4. Forced to wear said teddy bear cap with ballerina socks and other egregious fashion errors.
“I’m not surprised Amnesty International is involved” confided Bessie Wertheimer, the Poohe’s downstairs neighbor. “I can hear the kid screaming bloody murder all night long.”
Her parents were horrified to see their crimes splattered all over Amnesty International forms. “How the heck did she figure out the postage to Amnesty’s Brussels headquarters?” demanded her father, Harold Poohe. “We’re not taking this lying down!” yelled Stynkier’s mother. “We can hold our heads upright AND roll over on our stomachs and you lack the muscle strength to do either, ha ha ha.”
Jun
17
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
June 17, 2007 | Leave a Comment
The bad news heard round the world.
by Flo Paterson
Los Angeles- Bad News out of Los Angeles Sunday where www.breitbart.com reported that Rosie O’ Donnell was endorsed by Bob Barker as the next candidate for the host of “The Price is Right” show.
As news of this broke, millions of people God fearing or not fell to their knees crying out to God that this would not come to pass. Crooked Street Press received thousands of e-mails and text messages asking for us to dig up the news on this subject. So we hit our rolodex and called everyone we knew who are in the know.
We came across Tad Thompson who at one point worked on the sound stage for ESPN. He had this to say.
“I never worked on that show. How the hell should I know.”
Thompson was as close as we got to the people in the know on this subject. As far as the implications to what would happen to day time television if Rosie was to host Read more
Jun
17
“I’m sick of glitter and glue presents.” Brian Conner, Potrero Hill father of three
by Fritz
San Francisco- Jeffery Conner, age 10, spent most of the morning Saturday making his father a gift out of macaroni noodles and glitter mounted to colored construction paper and then using markers he wrote “Happy Father’s Day, Love Jeffery” on it with cute 10 year old child writing. But when Sunday morning rolled around and Jeffrey presented the gift to his father he got a response a little bit different than what he had anticipated.
Jeffrey’s father, Brian Conner who runs a hardware store on Potrero Hill, rejected Jeffery’s gift out right saying, “Take this gift back and don’t come back until you have something with a remote control or a play button or something.”
“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.” Billy Conner, age 15 and brother to Jeffery said. “We all knew Jeff’s present sucked but I didn’t think dad would tell him off like he did.”
“I told Jeff that his present was not going to cut it this year.” Lois Conner, Jeffery’s mother said. “But Jeff didn’t listen and now he needs to pay the consequences.”
Witnesses say that Jeff ran away crying and was inconsolable for at least three hours Read more
