Jun
23
BART Goes Bankrupt Due To Shortsighted 50 Year Plan
June 23, 2007 | Leave a Comment
“We really should have seen this coming.” Bob Irwin Ticket booth monitor
by Fritz
San Francisco- As BART laid out its goals for the next 50 years as to the transit system of the future BART exec’s found themselves filing for bankruptcy Friday indicating that it would not have the funds to pay off the future debt it would have to incur for these goals. Read more
Jun
20
New San Francisco Schools Superintendent Proposes Eliminating Students
June 20, 2007 | Leave a Comment
By Dan Wheeler
Carlos “the Broom” Garcia, San Francisco’s newly-hired schools superintendent, is excited about his innovative strategy to once and for all fix the city’s troubled school system. “I don’t know why no one thought of this before” he exclaimed in an interview at his Pacific Heights home. “If we assign students to schools based on race and we order the white and Asian kids to be bused Read more
Jun
19
“Friends of Tony” come to San Francisco
June 19, 2007 | 1 Comment
contributed to Crooked Street Press by Sam Goldsmith
In a smoke filled room with the smell of eggplant parmasian wafting
through the air, a group of middle aged men enjoy an evening of
unique comraderie. Rather than saying they share a common connection,
they prefer to say they’re….”connected”. These very special clubs
are spreading like wild fire around the country and the reason is
obvious. There’s a void to be filled and with the end of HBO’s
acclaimed series “The Sopranos”, the desire to be Tony burns red hot
in many of those attending the Tony clubs.
The brainchild of Benjamin “Big Pants” Weinstein, the first Tony
club opened its doors at the Ramada Plaza Cancun Room in Calumet City,
Indiana. From that first meeting of six fans of the prime time mob
boss, the popularity was apparent and filled a need in men who want
more empowerment and excitement in their lives. Chapters blossomed
through out the country and the San Francisco chapter opened it’s
doors to over Read more
Jun
19
Local Man Throws Off The Curve of Commute Time
June 19, 2007 | Leave a Comment
“What an idiot.” Witness said
by Fritz
Oakland- Westbound I-80 is known around the bay area as the worst commute from Hecules to the metering lights at the Bay Bridge toll plaza. This last year it was reported that commuters are spending 6 percent more time in their cars than usual. What is the cause of this sudden jump in commute time? One man. Harry Potts from San Pablo.
Potts commutes to San Francisco every morning where he works as a CPA for a local firm. Every morning taking I-80 West he makes his way to the toll plaza like everyone else.
The California Highway Patrol reported that Potts had called to complain about the traffic and demanded to know what was wrong. CHP operators who took his call were surprised by his complaint as it was almost noon and the worst of the traffic had been through for the last two hours and no major delays were reported. The operators followed typical procedure and asked Read more
Jun
17
Amnesty International Disregards Infant’s Pleas
June 17, 2007 | Leave a Comment
By Ned Sanbourne
San Francisco — Amnesty International’s press release condemned the civil war in the Gaza Strip and also noted that the human rights organization would not investigate the claims of torture submitted by Russian Hill newborn, Ms. Stynkier Poohe.
“We get a lot of these ‘torture’ claims from newborns in uppity neighborhoods like Russian Hill,” said Amnesty’s spokesperson. “The claims paperwork is generally well done but the claims themselves are not terribly sympathetic.”
Ms. Poohe’s claims included:
1. Being forced to bath in unsuitably tepid water without adequate prior notice.
2. Parents who repeatedly confused demands to change soiled diapers as a demands to eat.
3. Pink teddy bear cap constantly sliding down over eyes.
4. Forced to wear said teddy bear cap with ballerina socks and other egregious fashion errors.
“I’m not surprised Amnesty International is involved” confided Bessie Wertheimer, the Poohe’s downstairs neighbor. “I can hear the kid screaming bloody murder all night long.”
Her parents were horrified to see their crimes splattered all over Amnesty International forms. “How the heck did she figure out the postage to Amnesty’s Brussels headquarters?” demanded her father, Harold Poohe. “We’re not taking this lying down!” yelled Stynkier’s mother. “We can hold our heads upright AND roll over on our stomachs and you lack the muscle strength to do either, ha ha ha.”
Jun
17
“I’m sick of glitter and glue presents.” Brian Conner, Potrero Hill father of three
by Fritz
San Francisco- Jeffery Conner, age 10, spent most of the morning Saturday making his father a gift out of macaroni noodles and glitter mounted to colored construction paper and then using markers he wrote “Happy Father’s Day, Love Jeffery” on it with cute 10 year old child writing. But when Sunday morning rolled around and Jeffrey presented the gift to his father he got a response a little bit different than what he had anticipated.
Jeffrey’s father, Brian Conner who runs a hardware store on Potrero Hill, rejected Jeffery’s gift out right saying, “Take this gift back and don’t come back until you have something with a remote control or a play button or something.”
“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.” Billy Conner, age 15 and brother to Jeffery said. “We all knew Jeff’s present sucked but I didn’t think dad would tell him off like he did.”
“I told Jeff that his present was not going to cut it this year.” Lois Conner, Jeffery’s mother said. “But Jeff didn’t listen and now he needs to pay the consequences.”
Witnesses say that Jeff ran away crying and was inconsolable for at least three hours Read more
Jun
17
Driving Range to Open Up in Visitacion Valley
June 17, 2007 | Leave a Comment
“It’s the only driving range in golf where you need your flak jacket.” Dirk Stubble Head of Security at First Tee Driving Range
Contributed to Crooked Street by Luke Boggs
San Francisco- Clyde Thurgood is carrying his golf bag. In it he has his driver, his 1 and 5 wood, several irons including a pitching wedge and a sand wedge a putter and a 9 mm hand gun. Thurgood is hoping to fit in a round of golf at Gleneagles nine hole golf course. “I don’t play golf without my nine.” Thurgood explained. “ You never know when some sucka is going to try to clip you while your putting.”
Thurgood is one of many avid Visitacion Valley golfers that will be excited to use a new driving range to open next year at a large playground at Visitacion Valley Middle School. The new range called “First Tee” will have a 30-by-60 foot putting green and a netted driving range, along with a pawn shop and liquor store.
This idea was the brain child of Sandy Tatum, a former USGA president, when she was driving around Visitacion Valley for “Shits and giggles”. She happened upon a empty middle school playground and the dream was born.
“At first I think the idea was to have a pawn shop there and liquor store but then city planning department Read more
Jun
15
The Real Blue Angels
June 15, 2007 | Leave a Comment
By Dan Wheeler
Its not often you meet a hero. Those we do meet are usually heroes for an instant. The firefighters who charged into the burning towers, the stranger who rescues the child from an oncoming bus, the soldier who jumps on the grenade.
Well I met not one but a whole platoon of heroes, the angels in blue scrubs who work the maternity wards at California Pacific Medical Center. The anesthesiologist who brings relief to the thousands of women in labor agony is one of them. He was timely, coming shortly after my wife threw in the towel and wisely decided not to fight the stabbing pains of a contracting uterus. He works efficiently and carefully. It is a complex job, administering powerful epidural drugs while monitoring the reaction of an emotional, exhausted woman in labor pains. Others anxiously wait for him, so there is no time to waste; yet he does not look rushed. He looks like the desperately needed savior he is.
The nurses and delivery room doctors hold life and death in their hands every single day. Read more
Jun
15
Yet Another Lawyer Going to Jail
June 15, 2007 | Leave a Comment
“Has anyone ever heard of a honest lawyer?” Judge Freedman
by Fritz
San Francisco- Another high priced lawyer Troy Ellerman might be going to jail for two years for a botched court room ploy to get the Balco case thrown out of the court because of “leaks” to the press. This announcement comes on the heel of what seems like an epidemic for the law business where more and more attorneys are being put into orange jump suits.
Ellerman pleaded guilty on four felony charges and agreed to accept a prison term up to two years and a hefty fine of $250,000. Plus it was found out that Ellerman has J-walked several times which was caught and video taped by an old lady on YouTube.com under the user name, oldlady0711. U.S. District Judge Jeffrey White saw the video and threw it out due to the nature on how the evidence of the J-walking was gathered. Nevertheless, Ellerman is in deep doo doo as he was caught red handed Read more
Jun
14
FBI Find Jew’s Permit Money Behind Giant Chicken Bone
June 14, 2007 | Leave a Comment
“You know in the back of mind I knew it was there the whole time.” -John Miller, FBI Field Agent
by Fritz
San Francisco- Just hours after Ed Jew posted bail after turning himself in with 9 felony charges against himself, the FBI uncovered the $30,000 that was missing from the $40,000 taken in a permit scam. It was found buried under a dinosaur bone in the Gobi desert which turned out to be a monstrous chicken.
Xu Xing, a Chinese paleontologist, hired by the FBI to find the missing money moved on a hunch that Jew may have thought to bury the money where no one would find it. The most obvious spot to check was the Gobi desert.
“It was kinda easy to find really,” Xing said. “There were foot prints leading right up to the dig site.”
The FBI celebrated the news by throwing all the money they found Read more
