Jun
26
Ed Jew Doesn’t Show the Press His Flower Shop Shower Due to Soap Scum
June 26, 2007 | Leave a Comment
“The cleaning crew has been out sick.” Ed Jew
by Fritz
San Francisco- Ed Jew canceled the press conference that was to be held in his bath tub at his Chinatown flower shop Friday due to soap scum.
After promising to the media that everyone was welcome to have a tour and ask questions while he showered at what he told the FBI and the district attorney’s office was a regular and normal thing that he did every morning. The FBI has doubted however that Ed Jew has ever showered. Read more
Jun
25
NEWS FLASH! Daly Can’t Keep Secrets
June 25, 2007 | Leave a Comment
“He said he promised.” Eric Jaye Newsoms campaign manager
by Fritz Staff Writer
San Francisco- Campaign manager for Gavin Newsom Eric Jaye was overheard at a press conference that Supervisor Chris Daly had promised several months ago that he would not tell anyone about Newsoms cocaine usage especially to Newsoms parents. Read more
Jun
22
The Peskin Springer Show
June 22, 2007 | Leave a Comment
Don’t miss tomorrow’s Peskin Springer Show where two of San Francisco’s finest duel it out with low blows and cheap shots below the belt. Also there might be a surprise guest!
by Fritz
San Francisco- The Peskin Springer Show has gathered some heated press over its new more alternative format of programing. Producers of the show say they were getting tired of the boring speeches and talks about budgets and decided to spice up the programing. Read more
Jun
21
Lost Bush E-mails Recovered
June 21, 2007 | Leave a Comment
contributed to Crooked Street Press by K.D. McCracken
Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy has been arguing for
weeks that the Bush camp has been hiding e-mails pertaining to the
firing of several attorney generals and pushing for a subpoena. Read more
Jun
20
New San Francisco Schools Superintendent Proposes Eliminating Students
June 20, 2007 | Leave a Comment
By Dan Wheeler
Carlos “the Broom” Garcia, San Francisco’s newly-hired schools superintendent, is excited about his innovative strategy to once and for all fix the city’s troubled school system. “I don’t know why no one thought of this before” he exclaimed in an interview at his Pacific Heights home. “If we assign students to schools based on race and we order the white and Asian kids to be bused Read more
Jun
20
Newsom Serious About New Stadium Deal For 49ers
June 20, 2007 | Leave a Comment
“Who wouldn’t want to play on a radioactive dump site?” -Aaron Smith back up place kicker for the San Francisco 49ers
by fritz
San Francisco- San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom took the NFL top brass on a tour of a old naval shipyard Tuesday at Hunter’s Point in San Francisco for the proposed site of the new 49ers stadium. Newsom’s tactic was to sell the National Football League on giving a loan to the 49ers to build a new stadium which was only half of Newsom’s “master” plan.
Late in the meeting the light dimmed low and some techno music started playing with a laser light show in a board room at City Hall where Newsom brought out a power point presentation about the future of the 49ers. Using the left over radioactive material from the naval shipyard where testing was done and never cleaned up, Newsom planned to mutate a “super-human-radioactive football team” that would dominate for an estimated 20 years. The power point presentation showed doctored photos of football players with four arms and freakish Read more
Jun
18
Poll: Clinton Takes Big Lead Over Obama
June 18, 2007 | Leave a Comment
Most agree that the election is not over.
by Fritz
Washington- New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton has gained a big lead over Illinois Sen. Barack Obama in the USA TODAY/Gallup Poll only one day after the previous poll was taken. Most analysts will agree that the election is not over.
The newest poll included 300 Democrats and 175 independents who are thinking about Democrats in a favorable manner and of the 475 asked about 300 voted Democrat and the rest stayed independent.
“We can do polls all day until we are blue in the face.” Phil Johnston, Democrat supporter said, “Its about who is winning at the end when the fat lady sings.” Johnston later took that comment back as it sounded like he was calling Clinton fat. Crooked Street printed it anyway. Read more
Jun
16
Daly Sent to His Room Without Dinner
June 16, 2007 | Leave a Comment
“If I hear one more word out of you mister you’re grounded!” -Aaron Peskin Board President of the Budget and Finance Committee
by Fritz
San Francisco- San Francisco Supervisor Chris Daly was sent to his room on Friday without dinner for causing a very public hissy fit in front of the Budget and Finance Committee.
Daly had been sitting as the committee chairmanship over the cities budget but when Mayor Gavin Newsoms’ budget plan hit a all out war between the two gentlemen over a small $37 million issue.
“It was like two girls going at it in the school yard.” Said Sal Birchman, another board member and local pervert. “It was hot.”
Board President Aaron Peskin after seeing all the hair pulling and biting he had to separate the two boys which forced Daly to his room while Newsom had to Read more
Jun
14
FBI Find Jew’s Permit Money Behind Giant Chicken Bone
June 14, 2007 | Leave a Comment
“You know in the back of mind I knew it was there the whole time.” -John Miller, FBI Field Agent
by Fritz
San Francisco- Just hours after Ed Jew posted bail after turning himself in with 9 felony charges against himself, the FBI uncovered the $30,000 that was missing from the $40,000 taken in a permit scam. It was found buried under a dinosaur bone in the Gobi desert which turned out to be a monstrous chicken.
Xu Xing, a Chinese paleontologist, hired by the FBI to find the missing money moved on a hunch that Jew may have thought to bury the money where no one would find it. The most obvious spot to check was the Gobi desert.
“It was kinda easy to find really,” Xing said. “There were foot prints leading right up to the dig site.”
The FBI celebrated the news by throwing all the money they found Read more
Jun
13
Crooked Street Press to Rally Against Chris Daly’s Lack of Support for Journalism
June 13, 2007 | Leave a Comment
By Dan Wheeler
Crooked Street Press staff and management will join today’s rally on
the City Hall steps to protest the proposed cuts to fake journalism
programs. “So many departments will be affected” lamented Fritz, Vice
President and staff cartoonist. “Our staff and interns are already hard
pressed to produce made up stories without taking away their benefits.”
Gloria Sanchez, assistant to Editor-in-Chief Wheeler and editorial
copyrighter concurred. “We rarely have anything to eat around here
after certain management officials chow down on the snacks that are
supposed to be shared. If City Hall doesn’t come through, we’ll
starve!”
Intern Sam Goldsmith agreed. “The reason I’ve delayed my
barbecue story for so long is the lack of government funding. Yes,
that’s the reason.”
CSP budget items threatened by the motion introduced by Supervisor Chris
Daly include:
Printing Press ($780): Crooked Street Press has no press, which is a
pathetic state of affairs. We are reduced to “blogging” a form of
journalism reserved for those who are Read more
