School’s Out Mutha Sucka

January 4, 2007 | by Sam G | No Comments

by Sam Goldsmith

A controversial educational program has been embraced with gusto by local children and their teachers in the wake of growing school violence around the country. No longer willing to be sitting ducks, the new federally funded training program instructs students and their teachers that the best way to handle a gunman in their schoolhouse is to deliver a can of Grade- A Whoop Ass.

The program, spun off from the more widely known FBI’s popular Critical Assault Training regimine, students and teachers are told to embrace the gang mentality and protect their turf. A far cry from the previously approved school district plan of “get under your desk and pray” The program has enjoyed mixed reviews with some parents unsure that going “eye for an eye”, or rather “go for the eyes…” is the best way to go.

With the assistance of local police and those neighbors who for some reason seem to own a lot of army amd police paraphanalia, Monty “Bayonette” Tingleheimer trains teachers and students around the country just how gratifying it is to attack instead of standing idly by.“The first rule of defense is to understand that everything in a classroom can be used as a weapon; a pencil, a book, scissors, picture frames, even a computer monitor,” Monty said.

“We at first thought that distractions were the answer til we started to see how adept some of the children were with Asian Fighting Stars”, said Bessy Tingleheimer, Monty’s wife and co-instructer. “Today’s child understands how to react quite well in a hostile confrontation with a heavily armed adversary. “This is where that quality time spent on a video game education starts to pay dividends”, she adds.

Early studies show that children already engaged in online battle scenarios in World of Warcraft, Grand Theft Auto and Halo, seem to respond more quickly and efficiently to training. (Reliance on magic and having only one life, being a significant drawback)

Part of the course, named U.W.S.O.T, ( for You Want Some of This?), involves a training video that shows students throwing objects and then rushing and tackling a gunman. There is also a supplementary DVD that provides film clips from classic Hollywood fare, such as Death Wish, Mad Max and Sin City. Belgium’s top film star, Jean Claude Van Damn figures prominantly in an elementary school level coloring book that explains the benefits of mace and knowing how to provide your classmates a decent field dressing.

The children seem responsive to the films and a mid-day candy bar to keep awareness peaked. The program has its fans among the district’s many teachers as well, who like carrying a piece in the classroom again.

Monty notes that, “Between the sight and the sound, the noise, the mayhem and the chaos… the gunman has to mentally deal with that. Which means he’s thinking of that and not about pulling the trigger?”

Local children see the picture even more clearly.

Dominic Prancer, age 11 at a local catholic boys school says he can’t wait to see his first attacker. Hopefully, it won’t be someone he knows, he’s quick to add.

“My friends and I can’t wait til our school gets raided. I learned how to crack someone’s knee with a Crayola Large Pack, but what good is that, if you don’t get to eventually do it?

Local school superintendant Benji Stohlberg thinks Critical Assault Training is here to stay and may become a fixture in the district’s curriculum. Though it’s still subject to discussion by the school board, next year’s gym unit on line dancing and the annual Fall play may be replaced by the ever popular Philipine knife fighting and an after school workshop on pepper spray.

Watch out Bin Laden, School’s Out!