Local Man Goes Missing After Biting Off More Than He Could Chew

July 25, 2007 | by Sam G | No Comments

Contributed to Crooked Street Press by Sam Goldsmith

San Francisco- A calm has finally settled over the inner Richmond district after a
truly chaotic afternoon. The barricades are down and the crowds have
thinned.

In what many consider the most unnatural of phenomenea, there are
a flood of questions regarding the sudden disappearance of retired
appliance salesman and long-time San Franciscan, Buddy Katz. There’s
no denying the gravity of what may very well be the first recorded
incident of a man devoured by his own sandwich.

The answers may prove hard to swallow.

It all happened at The Bagel; a popular deli/ bagel shop on
Geary Avenue just off of Park Presidio. The lunch crowd was long gone
and the staff handled the occassional customer wandering in during the
late afternoon. Katz, age 53, was a regular at the Bagel and would be
one of the very few who would stay and pull up a stool, enjoying his
usual lox and bagel with everything.

“Usually he sat near the window, but I was sweeping over there
so he grabbed a newspaper and moved toward the back,” said
counterperson Kim Noscher. “He comes in maybe three times a week and
so it’s not the first time he’s had to move around while we cleaned
up.”

By all accounts there was very little different about this
visit to the Bagel by Katz, but as investigators from SFPD dig for
clues, they noted the one detail that might very well prove to be the
catalyst.

“He went with the 4oz of lox as opposed to the 2oz,” says
Noscher. “I didn’t think anything about it, but I talked to a few
other people who knew Mr. Katz better than I did, and they couldn’t
believe he went for all that Nova lox.”

And then there was the cream cheese.

The details are sketchy, as the sandwich was made with some
haste, but it appears as if there was a double helping of
Philadelphia Creme Cheese as well.

“I didn’t make the sandwich,” says the young woman defensively.
Clearly the stress of the day had taken it’s toll on all the Bagel
staff. “I do know that this was a big sandwich. Bigger than I think
we usually make, but let me just say that we’ve made a lot of big
sandwiches and nothing bad happened. Nothing.”

Neither SFPD or a formal statement issued by the Bagel has made
an issue of the size of the sandwich. It’s a detail that can’t be
overlooked.

As the day wound to a close and the staff began to put up
chairs it was clear that Buddy Katz had abandoned his sandwich after
what appeared to be three to four very messy bites.

The capers had rolled to the floor and the onions pulled out and
piled on the butcher paper wrapping. A quick search of the men’s
room proved fruitless and it was assumed that their customer had
slipped away for a moment, leaving behind his big sandwich and creame
soda.

After an hour of waiting the staff did what most any concerned person
would do….they called the police.

“This is a sandwich that goes for $7.25. I’ve never seen anyone
just leave such a sandwich. It just doesn’t happen. Not this kinda
sandwich, and not with Bud Katz, ” says Bagel co-owner, Simon Weiner.
“And then there’s his shoes.”

As nerves began to fray, it was eventually discovered that Katz
had left behind both of his shoes. Florshiem “Comos”, each with
comfort pads from Doctor Scholls. Any belief that their customer had
left the Bagel in a huff was suddenly put to rest.

Though the SFPD refuses to comment on a missing person case that
is only a few hours old, it’s impossible not to consider the wurst.
Buddy Katz may have been devoured by a sandwich made well beyond his
ability. After grilling the staff of the Bagel, there were no answers
to be had.

There have been three recorded cases of these kinds of events
over the past twenty years. The first was at the Hotel Duluth, in
French Dip, Minnesota in the fall of ‘87. A night clerk at the hotel
had ordered a BLT from the kitchen and found himself with a sandwich
much bigger than he anticipated. At first he offered sections to a
bell hop and then a few late arriving guests but sadly he had no
takers. By morning the clerk was gone and his shoes abandoned behind
the counter.

Two other incidents are poorly documented. Both occured in
Hamburg, Germany. Ruben and “Sloppy” Joe Muntz tackled a bratwurst
platter originally ordered by a soccer team that failed to pick up
their order. The two brothers grabbed a lot of napkins and made their
way to a table in their local beer hall. Before beers could be
ordered, the brothers were gone. The condition of those sitting
nearby made any investigation by the authorities useless. Their shoes
found loose under their chairs.

Katz is retired from his small appliance shop in the Mission
District and is not married nor has any children. He was active in a
few local clubs. His friends refuse to swallow that their friend is
gone and will maintain a vigil.

“We wanted the left-overs,” said a distraught neighbor, Dagwood
Poboy. “The police took everything and I’m skeptical we’re going to
get our hands on that sandwich. If he’s in there, we want to be
around to help him find his way back.”