Budget shortages reported in Bay Area Republican Protection Program

December 11, 2006 | by Dan | No Comments

by Dan Wheeler

Anonymous sources have been complaining to CSP reporters about the
severe budget shortages and other problems plaguing key local Republican
Protection Programs. These programs were initially funded by grants from
the Audubon Society and the National Trust for Historical Preservation,
among other groups concerned about critical shortfalls in Bay Area
biodiversity.

We met late last night with Mel ___________ and Sharon _________ (names
withheld for security reasons), two Republicans living in the Mission
District. Speaking in a darkened room with the shades drawn, Mel
complained bitterly that he “had been on the Republican Protection
Program waiting list for eight months and all they gave him was a stupid
fake mustache that keeps falling off. I could have bought myself a
better one at Walgreen’s months ago,” he griped.
Sharon focused on the
lack of any meaningful poll escort services. “It’s ridiculous—the
escorts they sent me were a couple of day laborers picked up off Cesar
Chavez street armed with cans of spray-on sunscreen. Was that supposed
to look like Mace?

Lisa Mundell, spokesperson for the Pt. Reyes chapter of the Audubon
Society, confirmed that “while progress has been made, such as in
disguise distribution, poll escort services and political bumper sticker
removal assistance, challenges remain. For example, we are having
trouble locating the individuals who need assistance the most as many of
them have become furtive and nocturnal. It really is unfortunate for the
area’s cultural heritage diversity,” Lisa noted. “We’re already at less
than .007% Republican population in San Francisco as it is, and the
percentage keeps going down. At this level, these poor people certainly
qualify for minority status and probably Endangered Species Act
protections, yet the funding has been very slow to come through. Maybe
we should think outside the box and offer them exclusive casino
rights—something that will help them stand on their own feet.”
Society, confirmed that “while progress has been made, such as in
disguise distribution, poll escort services and political bumper sticker
removal assistance, challenges remain. For example, we are having
trouble locating the individuals who need assistance the most as many of
them have become furtive and nocturnal. It really is unfortunate for the
area’s cultural heritage diversity,” Lisa noted. “We’re already at less
than .007% Republican population in San Francisco as it is, and the
percentage keeps going down. At this level, these poor people certainly
qualify for minority status and probably Endangered Species Act
protections, yet the funding has been very slow to come through. Maybe
we should think outside the box and offer them exclusive casino
rights—something that will help them stand on their own feet.”