Oakland City Council to Stop Using Plastic

June 27, 2007 | by Fritz | No Comments

“Paper or Paper?” Brett Price a bagger from Buy and Spend Grocery store

by Fritz

Oakland- Tuesday a Oakland City Council committee voted to pass a measure that would ban plastic bags from retailers and grocery stores. This measure was sponsored by Councilwomen Nancy Nadel and Jean Quan who had copied San Francisco in an attempt to be “cool.”

The ban, once voted in, will force retailers that do more than $1 million a year on using plastic to sack products. The ban however did not mention of what alternative bags should be used, but it is obvious to some what the perfect solution should be.

After this news on Tuesday local retailers were scrambling to find their hunting gear as it is now going to be necessary to hunt buffalo for their hides that can be modified to be grocery bags or sacks like the native americans used to do.

“This means we can hunt buffalo just like the indians and the early American settlers used to do.” Clark Simpson, Vice President of Buy & Spend Grocery Stores. “It’s a good old fashion buffalo hunt.” As he pumped his shotgun.

The idea was adapted in the board room where ideas where being thrown around as to what retailers should offer customers as a substitute to plastic bags which if passed will now be illegal. Some ideas on the table was paper, cloth bags, wood barrels, and milk crates. Buffalo hides were brought up and the whole room ignited with hoots and hollers. “Clearly it was the best choice. We’re going to call them “Buffalo Bags.”” Simpson said, again pumping his shotgun then looking down the barrel out the window aiming at nothing.

There has been a ripple of some animal rights activists that have problems with a new era of buffalo hunting. One issue is that has been brought up is that millions of buffalo don’t exist anymore, and since you can only get one buffalo bag out of one buffalo you will need to kill millions of buffalo to fill the need of the consumers. Scientists have estimated that 90,000,000,000,000 buffalos will be needed to supply the need. One reason for the staggering number is that scientists believe that people will still feel the need to double bag their milk.

“Hasn’t stem cell research allowed us to clone buffalos so we don’t have to have this problem?” Simpson asked. Then Simpson beeped into his Nextel walkie talkie. “Johnson where are we on the Buffalo Clone Project?” Johnson replied back, “No where sir.” Simpson pumped his shotgun again.

On a side note, Local 353 Brothers of Plastic Baggers Union expressed outrage over the ban on plastic bags. One union brother complained, “It means we will have to change our name to “Local 353 Brothers of Buffalo Bags Baggers Union”. It just doesn’t roll of the tongue like the old name.