Cheney Library May Want to Hide Here

July 5, 2007 | by Sam G | 1 Comment

Contributed by Crooked Street Press Intern Sam Goldsmith

San Francisco- In what may be the most surprising revelation to come out of the
secret files of the Cheney/Bush White House, word has surfaced that
San Francisco may be home to the Richard Bruce “Dick” Cheney Vice
Presidenial Library.

As one would expect, the Vice President’s office and the
White House denies the very possibility, of what would be the very
first Vice Presidential Library. Ordinarily it’s the President that
houses archives of documents, important Presidential artifacts,
interesting educational and public programs, and informative tours
all associated to the legacy of the administration. The libraries are
constructed by private organizations that raise funds from non-Federal
Government sources for this purpose. After completion, the buildings
are donated or turned over to the Federal Government for use in
perpetuity as part of the National Archives and Records
Administration (NARA).

As to their locations; that speaks to the very core of support
for the outgoing executive.
All of which leads to the question: If Cheney is going to have a
library of his own…why would it be in San Francisco, the one place outside of Syria
that he’s held in the most contempt.

“Who would think to look for it there?” offers UCSF Political
Science Professor, Benjamin Cleetes. “The whole reason for these
buildings is to house the fruits of the President, or in this case,
the Vice President’s endeavors. Given the shroud of secrecy
associated to Cheney, it’s likely they don’t want anyone finding the
place.”

The rumors began in earnest following Halliburton’s most recent
shareholder’s forum held in the Grand Cayman Islands this past month.
Whispers around the closing ceremony bonfire implied that favorite
son, Cheney, was looking for a nice quiet place to house thousands of
hours of phone recordings, secret files and wedding pictures of his
not-so-secret lesbian daughter. Though tours would likely be out of
the question; the building would have to be open to the public, with
it’s hours determined by those that maintain it. Most likely the
building will be closed, more often than open.

“If there’s anything this Vice President understands,” offers
Cleetes, “it’s how to hide in plain sight. To go where no one would
ever expect to find you.”

Given that President Bush found great resistance when trying
to find a place for his “notes and things”,in his home state of
Texas, the discussion of the Cheney library is certainly fraut with
challenges.(see earlier inspiring Crooked Street Press article on W.
Bush Library: “Man Who Does Not Read Builds Big Library”). The desire
to find a discreet location for the Cheney Library prompted a number
of innovative ideas. Cheney’s home state of Wyoming has at it’s
disposal hundreds of inviting missle silos that are now in various
states of disrepair. Also considered was a location down the street
and to the right of former employer and current cash flow crime
family Halliburton Energy Services, now domiciled in Dubai, in the
United Arab Emirates.

Local business leaders and political figures are skeptical
that the Cheney Library would seriously consider the Bay Area, let
alone San Francisco.

Calls to the Mayor’s office on San Francisco being home to the
Cheney Library went unanswered.

“Let’s be honest, this is not a place the Vice President would
feel very comfortable,” says Mission District Merchant Association
member, Luis Degas. “That’s why I was so surprised when his people
came to me. At least I think it was his people. It happened quite
fast. These guys, they pulled up in a black SUV with no license
plates. The windows were tinted. I could hear Celine Dion on the
stereo so that told me this wasn’t gang related. I was nervous but
they kept saying over and over “money was no object” over and over
and I was never really sure who they represented. Whoever it was, it
was clear that someone was listening from the backseat. They asked
about a commercial property near Mission and 23rd. Next to Foxy Lady
Boutique. I told them that the deep fat fryers and two refrigerators
back there would be out by next weekend. Some paint wouldn’t hurt and
the lease is reasonable if you consider what they’re getting on
Valencia for the same square footage.”

“I asked for a card, some references…whatever. These two guys
in dark suits looked at each other, laughed and then drove away. A
half-eaten Churro was tossed from the back of the car. I didn’t
expect to hear from them again, but apparently some calls have been
made not only about that place, but also a few others….”

One of which includes the Sutro Baths.

Park Service Ranger, Tilly Vasquez says she found FEMA engineers
surveying the popular public bath ruins at the Ocean’s edge. It was an
unscheduled inspection, she was told.

“I’m usually told when something like this was going to be going
on, but it was happening after dark on a Sunday night”. Five men in
dark jumpsuits and stocking caps were found to be testing the
guano-caked cliffs for stability. When approached by the Ranger, the
men first fled the baths, then returned with federal authorization to
do whatever they wanted down there. Whenever they wanted. Not wanting
to go back to doing taped tours of Angel Island again, Ranger Vasquez
moved along.

“They liked how the seals sounded like dogs barking” recalls
the Ranger. “They kept saying how much they sounded like Dobermans.”

And so the mystery stands at this point, with the clock winding
down on the term of what many consider to be the most powerful Vice
President in the history of the United States. As to whether he will
create a building to house and hide his legacy is anyone’s
guess…and it’s unclear as to whether anyone will really ever know
once it’s been done.