The Church of Global Warming Takes a Huge Carbon Step Forward

June 28, 2007 | by Kurt S | 1 Comment

Contributed By Kurt Schumacher

San Francisco- Recent rumors of a schism within the Church Of Global Warming,
between the “Pro-Human” and “Humans are the Root of all Evil and Must
Voluntary Die” camps, have been downplayed by church leaders. But
there have been rumblings of some kind of disturbance within the
group. This reporter smelled a story and contacted the churchto
request an interview. Al Gore was busy at back to back Democrat
pro-european socialism and pro-illegal immigration fundraisers, but I
was able to sit down with high ranking church member and head of the
Earth Matters group, Willow Spring Gaia-Terra.

CSP: Hello, Willow.

Willow: Hello, Kurt.

CSP: So, Willow, how do you feel about those in the Global Warming movement who have taken the more secular “humans should live” stance?
Do they belong in your group?

Willow: They do belong and we hope to compromise with them in some
sort of agreement that allows humans to live in limited
circumstances. We can’t tolerate dissent to continue because it
lessens the effectiveness of our message to the ignorant masses.
Gaia knows they have too many distractions already! I mean, do NOT
get me started on NASCAR and pro-wrestling.

CSP: So your long-term goals will not change?

Willow: Of course not! You either have faith that Earth is hurting,
and that it’s our fault, or you are a Republican monster who hates
trees. I mean, we all want to live in a green, carbon neutral
paradise in which each of us contributes according to her ability and
consumes according to her needs! It is the responsibility of Al
Gore’s disciples (blessed be his name) to decide what those needs are
and guide the less educated.

CSP: Of course. Moving on… A few weeks ago, Al Gore publicly
called for “the head of the head of NASA” after NASA Administrator
Michael Griffin had downplayed human influence on global warming. How
do you feel about that?

Willow: I’m sure that Al Gore (Blessed be his name) was quoted out
of context. Besides, we could not really behead anyone! After all,
our power is blocked somewhat by a Republican president right now.
CSP: I see.

Willow: But once we get Hillary in the White House… (At this point
Willow leaned closer, bosom heaving, an exalted look in her eyes. This
reporter had to back away from the intense odor of patchouli and
marijuana.) Imagine… Enhanced hate speech laws for Global Warming
deniers, IRS audits, FBI files, and for the worst anti-Earth
blasphemers some kind of carbon neutral re-education camps. We’re
still working out the kinks on that one, but we have high hopes if
Hillary wins. Sometimes I’m glad we live in a democracy!

CSP: Yes. Well, thank you for your time and good luck with your
camps.

Willow: No problem!