Ed Jew Finds $10,000 in Couch Cushion

June 6, 2007 | by Fritz | No Comments

“I should really clean my couch more often.” -Ed Jew
by Fritz

Sunset, San Francisco- Ed Jew was busy doing spring cleaning in his house in the Sunset Wednesday after the FBI trashed the place when he reportedly found $10,000 under one of his couch cushions. No word yet from authorities on if the money found was part of the $40,000 that Jew took from the Quickly chain store.

“I plan to give the money to a charity close to my heart.” Jew said at a press conference that he organized himself. “I’ll give it to….oh I don’t know….the Friends of Sunset Playground! Yeah that’s the ticket!”

Fay Mayberry, PR director for the Friends of Sunset Playground, made a statement late Wednesday to the press saying that she’s never heard of “Eddy” and that he should take his couch money and shove it. “Friends of Sunset Playground only takes serious donations that will make a serious impact to improve the playgrounds in the Sunset district.” When Mayberry was told that the amount that Jew found was $10,000 she quickly turned on the water works. “Eddy? We really need the money…(sniff sniff)if you make that donation (sniff)we’ll name the monkey bars after you.”

No word on what the FBI thinks of all this “found” chump change that Jew found. Earlier this month the FBI stormed Jew’s City Hall office and home looking for the $40,000 that he took to help with a chain store fix their permit problems. The FBI found some of the money but in all their searching they had failed to overturn the couch cushions.

“It would have been too obvious.” FBI agent Buck Seaworthy said. “I don’t go through all this training to make it as a field agent at the FBI to look under couch cushions. We looked in all the other obvious spots. Piggy banks, oversized plastic Coke bottle, the freezer, under his pillow, and even in his wallet. Nothing.” Seaworthy went onto say. “We did find $30,000 bundled together in tight bricks, duck taped in a garbage bag and buried 7-feet deep in the back yard but we are still looking into whether or not that is connected with the permit issue.”