I Guess I’m Ready (Part I in a series)

February 18, 2007 | by Dan | No Comments

By Dan Wheeler

No really, I’m quite excited about it. The Baby that is. It is scheduled to be here in about six months, so I have some time to get fully excited about it.

For the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why people would want to have a baby. Of course, all parents will eagerly tell you that having kids is the best thing ever, but that begs the question: why are they the best thing ever? The answer is not obvious to me, a man who was single for 34 years and can reach a murderous rage in less than .8 nanoseconds after a baby whimpers 12 rows behind me in an airplane. The sound can penetrate stone and bone, overpower howling jet engines and make one long for an act of terrorism. I would not put “likes kids” in my MySpace profile if I were so lame at this age to have a profile. I like some kids in limited quantities but usually find the majority of kids I encounter to be whiny ingrates. Plus, I was a child myself and have always felt considerable sympathy for my parents who had to deal with me.

Anyway, I started asking people for reasons. The explanations were generally less than satisfying. “It’s great to see your child achieve something and know you had something to do with it.” Um, yeah—but what if the kid is a total loser? Heads you win, tails you lose? That’s a pretty big gamble. Or, “They’re so happy to see you when you get home; there’s nothing like that kind of love.” Oh really? That’s not how my 12 year old niece seemed to treat my uncle. Not to mention several unlovely incidents in the childhood of yours truly. Yes, instead of reasons what I got was enthusiastic, inarticulate salesmanship from friends and colleagues and unrelenting pressure to procreate from my grandmother.

My wife was very helpful in this profound philosophical inquiry. “I really want us to have a baby,” she announced. “I want him to look just like you!” she smiled with love in her eyes. Talk about a magnificent complement from one’s mate. This woman wishes to undergo a wrenching biological experience in order to have more of my looks in this world. It’s a statement for which there is no counterargument or follow-up question, at least not ones that I would express aloud. I am humbled that she considers my essence something to be preserved and reproduced, but do I agree with her? There are some things she doesn’t know about me. Do I want to share these with her to ensure that her decision is objective? Um, will a Republican congressman ever be elected in San Francisco? I think not. Philosophically, I have questions, but as a practical matter, my options are few.

As helpful as my wife was, a good friend of mine was even more helpful. He is a cool guy, with three outlaws he calls sons and a marriage to be envied. He is a minister who cusses occasionally, played football in college and was a rising star as an investment banker before he heard the Call of the Lord. I keep my eye on him but so far he hasn’t cracked on this Relationship With Jesus thing. He thought my questions were good and shared my concern about passing along certain of my own problematic essence. In fact, he warned me not to underestimate the urge felt by some fathers to abandon wife, child and job and be a surf bum in Malawi. Clearly, he is not destined for feel-good televangelism. Then he got Socratic on me: “Would you regret not having kids? Yes, there would be something sad about that. Why would that be sad? Well, seeing my wife’s essence end with her would be sad. Why would that be sad?” “Well,” I said, “she makes the world a better, happier place in many ways and I have to believe that her offspring would carry that on.” And there it was, out of my own mouth came the single most compelling reason I found in all my thinking and questioning. So, with that bit of philosophical accomplishment behind me and my wife’s expectant face looking up at me, I guess I’m ready to jump off this high dive.