Garlic Fries Incriminate Local Man

June 26, 2007 | by Dan | No Comments

San Francisco Intolerance Crackdown Snares the Innocent

Contributed to Crooked Street Press by Michael Breen

It all began after local journalist Ned Sanbourne had just finished his second helping of Garlic Fries at a Sunday’s Giants game. “My face just grew contorted,” said Ned. “And I happened to be looking in the direction of some dude. I guess he was the one that filed the charges.”

The charges are for a new “No Intolerant Looks” ordinance recently passed by the San Francisco board of supervisors. The bill aims to crack down on all intolerance in the city. “This is just the first in many steps to bring intolerance at all levels to a stop in San Francisco,” stated Supervisor Tom Ammiano. “We haven’t quite thought up how to stop or hinder intolerant thoughts. That’s a tough one.”

San Francisco, known for its tolerance of things deemed worthy of tolerance, will work to bring everyone in line with its tolerance laws. “Intolerance will not be tolerated!” ranted Supervisor Chris Daly.

These new laws have affected the many tourists that flood to San Francisco each year, especially the French tourists who regularly give glances and looks of disdain to anything deemed vulgar. As Pierre Fromage, a recent San Francisco tourist stated, “Everyone knows most Americans smell and dress atrociously. I have to express my disgust most often with a ‘Ffft’ sound with my lips and a horrified look.” Little did Mr. Fromage know how dearly this habit would cost him. Fromage was quickly cited by the local authorities and sent home to France with a $300 citation. “This only adds to my disgust with Americans,” he added.

“Intolerant looks only add to hurt people’s feeling here in San Francisco,” supervisor Daly stated. “We can’t have anyone feeling bad in San Francisco. People should be free to have goats as consensual sex slaves and not feel like someone will look down at them.”

The rest of the city may not agree. “If eating too many garlic fries is a crime, then I’m a criminal!” shouted Mr. Sanbourne. “But that was indigestion, not disgust I felt. Maybe it was my fault for overeating, but I was desperate for food.”