Marine Biology Triumph soured by Domestic Crisis

May 31, 2007 | by Dave L | No Comments

by Dave Lindley

The Bay area held its breath as it anxiously anticipated the fate of two humpback whales gone astray in the Sacramento-San Joaquin River Delta. To the relief and heartfelt joy of many onlookers, the humpbacks were spotted outside the Golden Gate Wednesday, according the U.S. Coast Guard.
Sadly however, this triumph in marine biology, a true testament to man and natures peaceful coexistence, was short-lived. Nearly as soon as the reports began circulating about the whales freedom, a new crisis arrived.
A crowd of reporters has gathered outside the home of “The View” star Rosie O’Donell. O’Donnell, who is reportedly leaving “The View“, and in a constant battle with real estate mogul Donald Trump, has been the subject of much controversy. She is also loved and adored by many others.
Earliest reports indicated that Rosie had been in a fit of seasonal depression, and found herself indulging in too many pre-packaged apple pies, although the exact nature of what she was eating is not confirmed. What is confirmed however is this; The local police have indicated, and now verified that Rosie O’Donell has been trapped in a doorway for the past three days.
Rich Skylan, local Chief of Police had this to say; “Generally we leave these types of things to the Fire Department. Say for example, a cat in a tree, a young child in a well, etc. Due to the high profile of the subject, it was determined that this was a matter for the police, namely for her protection. No foul play is suspected, although we can’t understand a word Rosie is muttering, so we‘re really not sure. It really just sounds like a bunch of blathering babble.”

When asked to describe the scene Skylan says, with a grimace that it was “not pretty.” Asked to elaborate, he explained, “Well, at first we weren’t really sure even which way she was facing. All we knew was that there was a lot of human trying to fit through a small space. “ Turning pale, Skylan continued, “I can’t comment any further on that aspect of the investigation.”
While the police were investigating inside, a crowd of supporters held a candlelight vigil outside, offering prayers, and singing songs in hopes of Rosie’s quick release. More… Flyers were being distributed by concerned fans, promoting a “Help Rosie Hotline” where callers could donate funds or offer ideas of how to get Rosie out of the jam she was in (no pun intended).
Local science teacher and next door neighbor, Bill Frank, was brought in to assist with the rescue efforts. “Well I had two pipes in my trunk from when I helped my brother install a water heater,” Frank explained. “Naturally my first thought was to try to bang them together to see if I could ‘scare her through.’ It did scare her, however, I think it might have just wedged her in tighter. It was really hard to tell what was going on, and I tried not to look to long. Out of respect of course.”
In an eerie parallel to the humpback crisis, Frank believes the answer could lie in sound manipulation. “Well they tried those recorded whale songs and humpback feeding sessions as a lure for the whale so I am going to try to implement the same principles here. My wife is going to record some women chit-chatting at the salon today, but in the meantime, I’m going to try to get some clips of her show off YouTube. When I break for lunch today, I’m also taking my tape recorder to the Golden Dragon Buffet, and see if I can capture the sounds of eating.”

So the world waits and watches as this crisis unfolds. Once again, we are reminded of the frailty of life, and inspired to look at each day as a gift, and also to be careful of what doors in life we walk through.
In an eerie parallel to the humpback crisis, Frank believes the answer could lie in sound manipulation. “Well they tried those recorded whale songs and humpback feeding sessions as a lure for the whale so I am going to try to implement the same principles here. My wife is going to record some women chit-chatting at the salon today, but in the meantime, I’m going to try to get some clips of her show off YouTube. When I break for lunch today, I’m also taking my tape recorder to the Golden Dragon Buffet, and see if I can capture the sounds of eating.”