Newsom Serious About New Stadium Deal For 49ers

June 20, 2007 | by Fritz | No Comments

“Who wouldn’t want to play on a radioactive dump site?” -Aaron Smith back up place kicker for the San Francisco 49ers

by fritz

San Francisco- San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom took the NFL top brass on a tour of a old naval shipyard Tuesday at Hunter’s Point in San Francisco for the proposed site of the new 49ers stadium. Newsom’s tactic was to sell the National Football League on giving a loan to the 49ers to build a new stadium which was only half of Newsom’s “master” plan.

Late in the meeting the light dimmed low and some techno music started playing with a laser light show in a board room at City Hall where Newsom brought out a power point presentation about the future of the 49ers. Using the left over radioactive material from the naval shipyard where testing was done and never cleaned up, Newsom planned to mutate a “super-human-radioactive football team” that would dominate for an estimated 20 years. The power point presentation showed doctored photos of football players with four arms and freakish looking legs. According to the presentation the players would be double the size of a regular NFL player.

“I hope they will glow too.” Nathan Ramsey a spokesperson for Newsom said, “If they glow that will really put the fear of God in the opposition.”

The Hunters Point Naval Shipyard was used as a dumping ground for the Navy until 1974 when the Federal Government decided that there was nothing more they could contaminate and closed the area off for football and low income housing. Newsom’s military base reuse director Michael Cohen stated that football is the best use of the radioactive shipyard since the football players are so hopped up on steroids anyway.

One of the advantages to building a top of the line stadium at Hunter’s Point is that not only will the players become mutants, but the fans as well. “Just think of the new race of men we will create.” Chief of Military Affairs for Gavin Newsom the Supreme Lord and Dictator of the New Race. “We will have mutant and human living side by side. Kinda like X-men. It’s going to be sweeeet.”

The city of Santa Clara voiced their negative opinion of the new “Newsom Plan” saying that their new stadium would have a radioactive free environment and that the 48ers can compete at a level playing field with the other teams.

“What a bunch of losers.” Ramsey said. “Why own a team that sucks every year due to turn overs and a bad running game, when you can have Mutant Ninja Football Players?”

Newsom brought in several different architects including Hewey Johnson from Hewey Architects & More to design some rough concepts for the new stadium. Johnson insisted that he be paid up front which Newsom agreed to after about his third drink.

The NFL gave no indication if they would fork over for the bill on the new Newsom stadium idea. Senior Vice President Neil Glat from the NFL said that he wanted to be sure that the design of the stadium would be as good as stadiums around the country including Stanford’s new redesign plus Glat went on to say he wanted to see samples of a mutant ninja football player in action until he made his choice.