San Francisco Tops God’s Favorite Cities List

November 12, 2006 | by Dan | No Comments

by Dan Wheeler

In a stunning development yesterday, San Francisco edged out close competitor Shawnee Mission, Kansas and Jacksonville, Florida to take top spot in God’s first annual “Favorite Cities” American ranking. The reaction around the country was immediate and vociferous. Rev. Dave Mitchell, a pastor in Little Rock, Arkansas led a mid-week protest sit-in on the grounds of First Sanctified Baptist Church. “I don’t know what God was thinking here, honestly. I mean we have 90% plus church attendance in this city and only last year we were singled out as the ‘most improved’ in sin reduction. I don’t want to get personal here, but San Francisco is not exactly known for its lack of sin. This coming on top of Nancy Pelosi taking the speakership is too much! How is this fair?” Other ministers expressed similar sentiments.
Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York City pointed out that the City’s five boroughs, on average, ranked 21.2 on the generosity index compiled every year. San Francisco, by contrast, Mr. Bloomberg pointed out, “is near the bottom ranking a measly 4.3.” The press secretary for Gavin Newsom, Mayor of San Francisco, stated that “the Mayor was not aware that the contest was being held, or that San Francisco had been nominated. We are still evaluating the significance of the award. For example, we have no idea the potential effect on tourism this may have.”
Acknowledging the furor the ranking caused, God early called a press conference to explain his methodology in compiling the ranking.

“I did decide to underweight the general prevalence of sin factor, which may come as a surprise to many. I was really looking more at geography and climate, and for a place where I can blend in without being too easily noticed. After about 300 years, people don’t even notice when I roll into town. They usually just think it’s just another fog bank. Other towns, they think they are seeing UFOs or just tripping out and the whole place gets riled up. And then the conspiracy theorists, “Jesus-in-a-sandwich” freaks and the media show up and you can barely find a quiet place to think. No, I really prefer hanging out in San Francisco. No one bats an eye and you can stay totally anonymous. The other thing is I can also get some peace and quiet. Other places, there is a constant din of prayers, petitions, confessions, and other sorts of drama and neediness. No one hassles me in San Francisco. For the most part that is–omnipresence can make parking a real b____h, may [Department of Parking and Traffic] be cursed forever, Amen.”

God then fielded a few questions from reporters present. Larry Kudlow asked if God’s ranking methodology didn’t create a real incentive to cut back on prayer and other activities that God traditionally encouraged. Dan Rather pointed out that he had documents exposing the flaws in God’s ranking methodology. “I am Yahweh, the Almighty One” God thundered, visibly irritated. “Perhaps a locust swarm or some boils would help all of you get a better grasp on my ‘methodology’!? Well?” Oprah Winfrey broke the long silence that ensued by tactfully asking whether God’s press conference statements should be canonized in God’s Word. God said that he’d “get back to you on that.”

It remains to be seen what effect God’s reappearance after 2000 years will have on human history. Here’s hoping that DPT gets what they have coming.